Do you ever wonder what people are saying about you? I mean your close friends. Are they always 100% truthful? You’d like to think so. Personally, I can’t be around people or call anyone a true friend if I don’t think they are. But today, I got a shocking dose of truthful that I appreciated but has hurt me to my core. And I just don’t know how to feel about it.
This close friend has seen up close my struggle with Panic Disorder. She has it herself. She was the lead in a support group for years so she “gets it”. She watched me for 12 years struggle to leave my house. She watched me fight with everything I had. She watched as I embarked (pun intended) on getting and training my Service Dog. She has seen the transformation in me as I work with him. She knows the years of training we have gone through to get to a point where I am getting more comfortable being normal. Yet today, while talking about going out to do some shopping in a Mall- a place she knows I have severe trouble with, instead of me saying no- I said Ok I’ll take Milo with me. And her response threw me off my center. She said “ Do you really need Milo if you have me? “ And I paused in silence. Then replied, “Yes, why do you have a problem with that?” to which she said “ I’d rather not walk around and go to lunch with a dog”. Which she proceeded with.. . is that hateful?” I said “yes actually- but you go enjoy and I’ll pass on going today” with all the kindness I had in me and I meant it.
But when we hung up I fought back tears, anger, fury and hurt.
Now a lot of things are going thru my head. I appreciate the fact that she was honest. It probably was hard for her to say that to me. And does she have to like my having a service dog and go along with it? If I had to use a wheelchair would it be ok for her to say I don’t want to go with you while you are in that chair? Now how do I handle our friendship? And that is what’s rocking my center the most. Do you stay friends with someone who doesn’t . . .is it respect? or accept perhaps you in your entirety?
Here I was pushing my comfort zone going to try to concur the mall as I have been training to do for quite some time so I could enjoy the mall with friends. Yet my friend didn’t want to be a part of it with my service animal.
I have to accept her for what she is – right? I mean that is what friends do? But so, I can now only spend time with her as long as I don’t have my dog? It doesn’t work like that for me. Panic doesn’t pick and choose when it comes and when it goes for me. I have spontaneous panic attacks, so they could come at any time. And add in a claustrophobic trapped environment and it’s def con 12 for me. That is why precisely I ventured into having a service animal to help me. I used to spend hours and days in malls before the panic attacks started. Most of my life spent having fun shopping in malls. From shopping mall to shopping mall with no worries. Now just the thought of going into one can send me into a very uncomfortable state (I’ll leave the details out). So if Milo now knows how to help me get past that, and I can somewhat comfortably venture out into the shopping maze- then the people who love me and are in my closest of circles should embrace that – support it and encourage it- right?
But I feel like I had the power to say, ok if that doesn’t work for you then I am not comfortable going today without Milo so I will pass. So, as she has the right to not want to go with me and my service dog- I have the right to not go at all. But isn’t that all so sad?
What do you think? What would you do? I would like to have some productive conversation about this from both people with service dogs and disabilities and their friends and family. Share your thoughtful ideas.
